Everyone is on a quest to find and experience a happy relationship. It seems that many people in relationships have made peace with never being happy themselves but have taken the position that their job is to make the other person happy. But I’d like to know: How can you make someone happy if you, yourself are miserable? If you are in a relationship where it is all about what the other person wants, how can you feel valued and in turn, value the other person?
Just observing the few people I know has made me look at my expectations for a relationship in a new way. It seems as if there are some ground rules some people are operating under that doom them from ever being truly happy in their relationship.
1. The ability to be themselves. When entering a relationship, you may change some of your ways in order to be tolerable to your mate. Do you find yourself abiding by certain unsaid rules for the sake of getting along in the relationship? Having to always be available?
3. Always sacrificing your own fun or plans for the sake of the other person’s?
4. Being responsible for the other person’s happiness?
Possessiveness is a tricky little trait that seems to be the catalyst for major problems in many relationships. Actually possessiveness looks different depending on the age of the relationship.Remember C.A.P.when thinking of the different faces of possessive behavior. In the beginning, it seems that the behavior is CUTE. and shows that someone really has interest in you. The fact that they always want you around is another way they express they love you and care for you. Not allowing you to go and be with your friends is sweet because they would rather cuddle. This may make someone feel needed and special. It is not possessive. This behavior is cute.
After a while it becomes ANNOYING. You can’t seem to get away from the person even if you go to the bathroom. Every aspect of your life seems to be tainted and there are no boundaries for the behavior. There seems to be a sense of entitlement to you as they infringe on everything from going through your phone to coming into the bathroom while you attempt to take a relaxing bath or even take a crap! They have googly eyes while you try to keep your food down. When they hug you, you somehow feel used, dirty or maybe even angry. When they call you, the last thing you want to do is answer. You feel you are on the edge of hating them then something happens to make you run screaming in the opposite direction which brings you to the third phase: PSYCHO.
Possessiveness turns psycho when you have expressed how negatively their “affection” makes you feel. You start to to see the craziness of possessive behavior when you hear the ridiculous “reasons” why they do what they do or they attempt to turn on you and make you feel bad for feeling bad. At this point, usually, you are trying to get away from the possessive person and they will not let you go on with your life. When you don’t accept this behavior as cute anymore, things change. They pop up in public places, stalk you online or in person. They show up to your job and attempt to make you look bad in front of your colleagues, trash your car, steal your mail, harass your family and friends, leave sticky notes all over screen door, post embarrassing stuff on your wall on Facebook and more.
Remember C.A.P. to identify where you are on the possessive scale.
Possessive people must know that you must give the one you love room to be them. Fear of them cheating, dealing abandonment issues or just having low self-esteem can be your real problem. Turning all your attention on someone and making them be your cure is more dangerous than dealing each of these issues head on. It is dangerous to put someone else in charge of your happiness. Never give someone else control over how you feel on any given day. Get a hobby, learn a new language or write in a journal instead of harassing someone who is moving on with their life. Remember: Let a dog roam and he will come back home… But if you keep him in the house, he’ll try to find a way to get out… and never return.