The single, independent woman is what many black women of the time claim to be. The self-esteem and self-love seems to be high and they don’t seem to have a care in the world. When I walk around the mall or at a festival and see all the middle-aged women walking around together, I can’t help but wonder if their single relationship status is a personal “choice” or a result of having some major, unidentifiable character flaw. Many of these women are physically beautiful with glowing skin, well-groomed hands and feet and impeccable hair and teeth. They drive nice cars and live in gorgeous homes. They have good-paying jobs with benefits and seem to be well-connected and business savvy. None of these attributes seem to be enough to effect their relationship status, though.
At the same time, there are women who some would consider to be “hood” or “ghetto” who always have a man who cares about them. I have noticed lately the many black men who are with black women and how happy they seem to be. There are many happy black couples who defy the notion that black love is dying off, black men and women are trifling and have no sense of family or unity. But when I do see these happy couples holding hands, holding the door for one another or engaged in P.D.A. (public displays of affection) I focus on the woman.
She is usually a plain, regular woman. A woman with an imperfect body or other physical flaw who seems to have other attributes to hold her man’s attention. The woman is usually comfortable in her own skin while enjoying the company of her man. The couple is usually laughing together. She doesn’t seem to be waiting to be “entertained” by him or “expecting” him to do certain things. Their interactions seem natural and genuine. She isn’t attempting to judge or control his every move or nag him about what he is or isn’t doing.
The” beautiful” single women seem to think their looks will catch and keep a man. Black women in particular seem to have a list of things they are looking for in order to consider a man a “keeper”. Looking at things like credit score, job, money, height, car, skin tone, handsomeness or clothes are all things which have nothing to do with whether a man is capable of loving and caring for his mate. Judging a man based on these things can keep women searching their whole lives for a prince charming who will never come. The other thing is black women must understand is that they aren’t princesses. Their mom’s were not queens and their dads not kings. Single black women are not royal. There is a sense of entitlement that comes with the list of “criteria” that alienates most prospects who do work up the nerve to approaching a woman. Nobody owes anyone anything. A man doesn’t owe you for speaking to him (unless in a strip club setting, perhaps) but even then you must know how to conduct yourself in order to collect… (I will have to elaborate on that in another post). Either way, being beautiful doesn’t guarantee any woman (or man) anything in the authentic relationship department. Having a nasty attitude is counterproductive in attracting a mate and is mentioned in the Bible as well:
“It is better to dwell in the desert than to live with a contentious woman and with vexation.” Proverbs 21:19
Black women, please understand that working on your spiritual self is just as important as getting regular manicures and hairstyles. A man is most attracted to the spirit of a woman and the beauty of the spirit is what ultimately keeps him around. Please understand that as messed up as it may seem in 2013, it is true that a man finds a wife, not the other way around. If you never learn to love the one who loves you, you will always be alone. No matter how much you like a guy, you can never make him like you.
If a guy likes a girl long enough, she can return the love and allow herself to enjoy a relationship. I know this is a disheartening thing to swallow with all the strides women have made but it is the honest truth. Working on letting baggage of the past go is probably the first difficult step to allowing your spirit to be free of strife and negativity. Men who are ready to settle down are looking for women who are described in Proverbs 31:
“A capable, intelligent and virtuous woman– who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls. The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has not lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil. She comforts, encourages and does him only good as long as there is life within her.” Proverbs 31:10-12
Short shorts and skirts only make men look but you don’t know what they are thinking with the attention they give you. Wearing the best clothes and shoes may impress and make other women jealous and possibly turn the heads of men but the garments real men focus on is how you carry yourself. Understand the most important clothing are those that are on your spirit.
“Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…she opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]. Proverbs 31: 25-26
“Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting] but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord GOD, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31: 30
The Bible says, ” When a man finds his wife, he finds a good thing.” Proverbs 18:22. Drop all the shallow “standards”, criteria and lists of expectations. No one is perfect, not even you. Many of us want to be accepted “just the way we are” when we need to make it a personal goal to become more God-like. Plastic surgery may help you look better but be brave enough to allow yourself to go under God’s knife. Ask Him to cut away things in you that are not like Him. You must accept that you must work on your attitude to improve the condition of your spirit. Black women, make sure you are a good thing to be found so you qualify for a good man. It is okay to be that diamond in the rough, who is allowing God to perfect her (in Him), not a “diamond” whose attitude is rough to endure.