What Black Women Must Understand About Dating in 2013: Part 1

The single, independent woman is what many black women of the time claim to be. The self-esteem and self-love seems to be high and they don’t seem to have a care in the world. When I walk around the mall or at a festival and see all the middle-aged women walking around together, I can’t help but wonder if their single relationship status is a personal “choice” or a result of having some major, unidentifiable character flaw. Many of these women are physically beautiful with glowing skin, well-groomed hands and feet and impeccable hair and teeth. They drive nice cars and live in gorgeous homes. They have good-paying jobs with benefits and seem to be well-connected and business savvy. None of these attributes seem to be enough to effect their relationship status, though.

At the same time, there are women who some would consider to be “hood” or “ghetto” who always have a man who cares about them. I have noticed lately the many black men who are with black women and how happy they seem to be. There are many happy black couples who defy the notion that black love is dying off, black men and women are trifling and have no sense of family or unity. But when I do see these happy couples holding hands, holding the door for one another or engaged in P.D.A. (public displays of affection) I focus on the woman.

She is usually a plain, regular woman. A woman with an imperfect body or other physical flaw who seems to have other attributes to hold her man’s attention. The woman is usually comfortable in her own skin while enjoying the company of her man. The couple is usually laughing together. She doesn’t seem to be waiting to be “entertained” by him or “expecting” him to do certain things. Their interactions seem natural and genuine. She isn’t attempting to judge or control his every move or nag him about what he is or isn’t doing.

The” beautiful” single women seem to think their looks will catch and keep a man. Black women in particular seem to have a list of things they are looking for in order to consider a man a “keeper”. Looking at things like credit score, job, money, height, car, skin tone, handsomeness or clothes are all things which have nothing to do with whether a man is capable of loving and caring for his mate. Judging a man based on these things can keep women searching their whole lives for a prince charming who will never come. The other thing is black women must understand is that they aren’t princesses. Their mom’s were not queens and their dads not kings. Single black women are not royal. There is a sense of entitlement that comes with the list of “criteria” that alienates most prospects who do work up the nerve to approaching a woman. Nobody owes anyone anything. A man doesn’t owe you for speaking to him (unless in a strip club setting, perhaps) but even then you must know how to conduct yourself in order to collect… (I will have to elaborate on that in another post). Either way, being beautiful doesn’t guarantee any woman (or man) anything in the authentic relationship department. Having a nasty attitude is counterproductive in attracting a mate and is mentioned in the Bible as well:

“It is better to dwell in the desert than to live with a contentious woman and with vexation.” Proverbs 21:19

Black women, please understand that working on your spiritual self is just as important as getting regular manicures and hairstyles. A man is most attracted to the spirit of a woman and the beauty of the spirit is what ultimately keeps him around. Please understand that as messed up as it may seem in 2013, it is true that a man finds a wife, not the other way around. If you never learn to love the one who loves you, you will always be alone. No matter how much you like a guy, you can never make him like you.

If a guy likes a girl long enough, she can return the love and allow herself to enjoy a relationship. I know this is a disheartening thing to swallow with all the strides women have made  but it is the honest truth.  Working on letting baggage of the past go is probably the first difficult step to allowing your spirit to be free of strife and negativity. Men who are ready to settle down are looking for women who are described in Proverbs 31:

“A capable, intelligent and virtuous woman– who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls. The heart of her husband trusts in her confidently and relies on and believes in her securely, so that he has not lack of [honest] gain or need of [dishonest] spoil. She comforts, encourages and does him only good as long as there is life within her.” Proverbs 31:10-12

Short shorts and skirts only make men look but you don’t know what they are thinking with the attention they give you. Wearing the best clothes and shoes may impress and make other women jealous and possibly turn the heads of men but the garments real men focus on is how you carry yourself. Understand the most important clothing are those that are on your spirit.

“Strength and dignity are her clothing and her position is strong and secure…she opens her mouth in skillful and godly Wisdom, on her tongue is the law of kindness [giving counsel and instruction]. Proverbs 31: 25-26

“Charm and grace are deceptive, and beauty is vain [because it is not lasting] but a woman who reverently and worshipfully fears the Lord GOD, she shall be praised.” Proverbs 31: 30

The Bible says, ” When a man finds his wife, he finds a good thing.” Proverbs 18:22. Drop all the shallow “standards”, criteria and lists of expectations. No one is perfect, not even you. Many of us want to be accepted “just the way we are” when we need to make it a personal goal to become more God-like. Plastic surgery may help you look better but be brave enough to allow yourself to go under God’s knife. Ask Him to cut away things in you that are not like Him. You must accept that you must work on your attitude to improve the condition of your spirit. Black women, make sure you are a good thing to be found so you qualify for a good man. It is okay to be that diamond in the rough, who is allowing God to perfect her (in Him), not a “diamond” whose attitude is rough to endure.

Read Me Bible


7 thoughts on “What Black Women Must Understand About Dating in 2013: Part 1

  1. Hmmmmm I think it’s not just black females and you should never stereotype or generalise I think a women wants to be considered as an equal and prove to be just as successful I think it’s pride and integrity that effects a lot of woman of all colour I think it’s just coming to terms that wanting a partner to help lift u and support u doesn’t make u dependent and of need of a man and it doesn’t make u any less of a strong woman it actually strengthens you both genders need to work alongside each other but yh I really found this piece interesting I think breaking down stigma is important it’s not race predominately it’s more the era and social movements as well as other factors being involved xxx

    • Jayjayblackk, this was an answer to a few conversations I personally have heard and been a part of. This is what some women of color need to know regarding dating because of the specific complaints coming from this particular demographic. I will attempt to address other issues for dating focusing other aspects. It is good to know this advice is somewhat universal.Thank you for taking the time to read this blog entry. I hope to hear from you on the next entry! 🙂

  2. The title: “What Black Women Must Understand About Dating in 2013: Part 1”, caught my interest immediately. I started thinking to myself, who is the writer of this blog, AND what is her reasoning for writing on this particular topic ? Is it just because she’s enjoys writing blogs as a hobby, or is it a possibility there could be other reasons that may be personal her at this time, and this is the reason why she wrote it. For me, I like to learn more about a writer before I do the reading, in order for me not to take the writer out of context, in what he or she is actually trying to communicate. Hopefully, this way my reply won’t be taken personal or out of context.

    In the 1st paragraph I find myself wondering is Sayuri single, married, divorced, or what ? I’m not asking, I’m just saying. So anyways, I thought the writer gave a decent description of a few black women, but not all of them as a whole, or even the majority of black women. I don’t view it this way, because I try to read with an open mind, and not draw to any quick conclusion until I’ve read a piece at least twice, but I could see some woman (or men) feeling as if you are stereotyping most black women. So in my humble opinion, the person who thinks you’re stereotyping is probably going to read the rest of the article having an attitude of sorts. Maybe. Maybe not.

    In the 2nd paragraph i do agree that there are still many black couples in the world today who deeply love one another. I was a little confused about this particular comment of yours in this paragraph: “There are many happy black couples who defy the notion that black love is dying off, black men and women are trifling and have no sense of family or unity”. More specifically on about both men and women being “trifling” (as you say) and have no sense of family or unity. Again, while i don’t, some other folks reading this could interpret this as if you referring to MOST black men and women. Keep in mind, while reading and writing I’m still wondering why did she write this, and if she’s single why is that ? When you see black couples participating in Personal Displays of Affection, i think the focus has to be on both, the man and the women together, but I think the man should be held to a higher standard in the relationship, since he’s suppose to be the leader in the relationship. Would you agree or disagree with that ?

    In the 3rd paragraph I envision you’ll still at the mall, but maybe you’re sitting somewhere (maybe in a food court) observing black couples in action, while jotting down notes for this blog. I’m kind of wondering if you are observing these black couples in action (if this was the case), how are you feeling personally ,especially if you’re not involved in a relationship prior to writing this. Again, I don’t know, the thought just crossed my mind as I was typing.

    Okay, I think I’m going to temporarily stop here for now, but i will return soon to complete my reply of this blog.

    • Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to this entry. I have been having this debate with friends on why certain women remain single while others always seem to have a man or retain loving relationships easier, longer. My observations come from watching and listening to SOME women of color speak about what they are looking for in relationships and I have included my findings in this Blog post. I am divorced but I am also in a relationship.
      I would never venture to say ALL black women or men are anything because it is very dangerous to stereotype. The reason my attention is on the woman is because there are theories about what types of women men like. Single Women should watch the demeanor of married women to see that there is more (or less) to having a man in your life who will participate in public displays of affection with his woman. The man who is out with the meticulously dressed woman seem to be walking around like a dog owner at a dog show. The closeness and authentic love for one another is not there. I don’t know if it comes from knowing many beautiful single women and the entitled demeanor they exude

  3. Well written Sayuri, I completely agree with your sentiments. A nasty attitude makes the most physically beautiful person appear ugly.

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